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Mike iLL

Rollins’ Get in the Van. One of the only books I’ve bought more than one copy of. Along with W.S. Burroughs’ The Job, Allen Watts’ The Book (on the taboo against knowing who you are) and Kalil Gibrans’ The Prophet.

Get in the Van really captures the anxt and anger I been feeling last few days. Great to be home. Great to hear that Jersey accent and share orgasms. Mom put on a play at church last night. Amal and the Night Visitors. A crippled kid offers up his cane to the Christ child and is able to walk. Great. Self-hipnosis. Good story. Mom looked like she was loving it. A success.

It’s been a trip being around all these rich and famous folk in London. There’s always a party you won’t be at and someone’s got more than you. This one (really cool) Irish kid played David Bowie in Velvet Goldmine won’t have to work for at least a year but he’s miserable ‘cause everyone else in the movie is getting Grammy nominations and shit, and he keeps getting beat out at auditions by some other guy and all that makes money is shit. Welcome to reality kid.

That’s why I gotta be loving squatters and revolutionaries. Too many of us standing on line outside the castle waiting to be let in, or standing in the castle wondering who’s in the VIP room or who’s in the other Other room. Meanwhile the parties raging on the other side of the hill, behind the enchanted forest. And the sick thing is that the people who rule the castle are always attacking the folks at the real party.

Love the Druid culture in England; worshippers of Earth and sky, but I have a feeling most of that trip was based in power trips as well. If I support this one these ones’ll respect me. And so on and so forth. Like John Lennon and Nicholas Sayer say: I don’t believe in nothing. Ain’t nothin’ to believe in. You see something to believe in? You got belief you got shepherds and sheep. Belief is duality. What there is is the Moment. The one. The unity.

When we feel space with the same value as matter we’re flying.

The other night in our all night session I’m tellin’ Nick I want success. He says, once you loose that desire the world is yours. Find the source of the pain and the world will listen.

Dig that. Lonliness is true suffering. I love you all so much. ‘Cause it’s so cold out here in the universe. That’s why I make us all.

So many amazing supportive friends I have. My prayer is to be worthy of your love.

Happy winters.

sentimental boy, mike

18/12/2000